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by Carin

At that time, I was still not ready to have kids yet so we waited. In February 2004, I was finally ready. My husband was in his second year of law school and we had it all planned out that I would get pregnant and have the baby during his third year where he would have more time. I went off the pill and a month later found myself staring at two pink lines on the stick. We were ecstatic! Boy this was so easy! I bought a book, started thinking ahead and then was slammed head first into the figurative brick wall. On June 9, 5.5 weeks into the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. I remember sitting in the OB’s office waiting for the blood test that would confirm the inevitable. I was upset but holding it together until a couple came over to wait for their blood test. They were smiling and hugging and she was carrying a bottle of pre-natal vitamins. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks. Once home, I was surprised at how sad and empty I felt. I mean this little thing was barely in my belly and I missed it terribly. Some blame it on hormones but I think anyone who loses a baby, even that early, knows better. What had gone wrong? My doctor ran off that statistic about the number of first pregnancies that end in miscarriage, I figured I had paid my dues. I wish I knew then how wrong I was.

We tried again with no success. Everyone told me that since I got pregnant so quickly the first time, I would have no problem getting pregnant again. What made it worse was someone I knew had gotten pregnant the same time I did. Her baby boy was born in February. That was supposed to have been my baby! After a year, I was finally “qualified” as not being able to get pregnant. As most of you probably know, in the absence of a medical condition, you have to wait 6-12 months before you were considered ready for intervention. I started Clomid. The people came out of the woodwork…”all my babies are Clomid babies”, “I don’t know too many people who didn’t need Clomid to get pregnant”. The comments go on. After 4 cycles, I had nothing to show for my attempts but a big cyst that was now growing on my remaining right ovary. That did it for the Clomid.

It was time to see a specialist. We had moved to the suburbs so I needed to find all new doctors. My new OB/GYN had recommended a fertility clinic in the area so I made an appointment. I was also back to being followed by a Gynecological oncologist since I had this new cyst growing. In April 2006, when I went in for my blood test to look for tumor markers, an Hcg test was done and it came back positive. I was pregnant. Even better, the numbers were really high and kept rising. Wow! I guess the trip to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) worked to tell my body that it was time to start. We held our breaths until we passed the 5.5-week mark. We made it! Then the brick wall again.  I miscarried the day after Mother’s Day.

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by Carin

I guess I should start out with “Hi, my name is Carin and I am infertile”.  That is how I feel I should introduce myself every time I meet someone new. Inevitably, the first question after “what do you do” is “how many kids do you have?” My husband has gotten into the habit of saying “none yet” while I just usually stand there looking sheepish and saying “I don’t have any”. It’s like a stigma. No one knows what to say after that. I have heard everything from complete silence to “oh, well that’s okay,” to, my personal favorite, “take mine”. I want to shout to them that it is not okay!  This is not the life I chose for myself. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. By age 30 I was supposed to have been one of those moms who complains about her kids too. Now I find myself hating those who complain. Don’t they know how lucky they are?

Okay, my little rant is over.

I should point out that after years of trying, we were finally blessed with the birth of our first child via surrogate. I will get into that portion of the story later but wanted to give fair warning to anyone reading this who may be upset by reading about a new baby. I know that I had to stop reading stories, blogs, chats, etc. because too many people were getting their BFP’s (Big Fat Positives…as in pregnancy tests) and I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into the depressing world of the infertile.

My story is not meant to educate or stress one way of life over another. I am just one of you who has finally gotten lucky. Because no matter what any doctor or therapist may tell you, getting pregnant is sheer luck. All the planets and stars have to be aligned during an eclipse, while planting a potato under a full moon or something like that. The fact that some people are luckier than others was always a source of agony for me, but that’s just the way things are.

My story truly begins in 1999 when I met my husband. It was on a disastrous cruise in the Mediterranean. The fact that they were playing “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie Titanic was the first omen that something wasn’t right. The ship didn’t sink, luckily, but the only really good thing to come out of that trip was a wonderful relationship. In August of 2000, I started having some “female issues.” It turned out that I had a mucenous cyst (also known as a borderline tumor) on my left ovary. The cyst was removed in February of 2001. I was immediately referred to a Gynecological Oncologist for consults and blood tests. First and second opinions indicated that the ovary should come out. My oncologist said that since I was still young (age 28) he recommended removing only the left ovary and fallopian tube. These types of tumors tend to be unilateral and shouldn’t affect my ability to bear children. I got engaged in March 2001 and had laparoscopic surgery that May. If only I had known what I was in for.

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About Us

Conception Connections is a blog about alternative paths to family creation. It is maintained by Alternative Reproductive Resources. Contributors include intended parents, egg donors and gestational surrogates in addition to ARR staff. Our goal is to facilitate conversations about trends, issues, current events, technology and personal stories surrounding infertility, egg donation and gestational surrogacy. If you'd like to contribute, please e-mail shodge@hodgemediastrategies.com. We also welcome your comments and suggestions. Note: Comments are moderated and posted on approval.

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