by Carin

At that time, I was still not ready to have kids yet so we waited. In February 2004, I was finally ready. My husband was in his second year of law school and we had it all planned out that I would get pregnant and have the baby during his third year where he would have more time. I went off the pill and a month later found myself staring at two pink lines on the stick. We were ecstatic! Boy this was so easy! I bought a book, started thinking ahead and then was slammed head first into the figurative brick wall. On June 9, 5.5 weeks into the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. I remember sitting in the OB’s office waiting for the blood test that would confirm the inevitable. I was upset but holding it together until a couple came over to wait for their blood test. They were smiling and hugging and she was carrying a bottle of pre-natal vitamins. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks. Once home, I was surprised at how sad and empty I felt. I mean this little thing was barely in my belly and I missed it terribly. Some blame it on hormones but I think anyone who loses a baby, even that early, knows better. What had gone wrong? My doctor ran off that statistic about the number of first pregnancies that end in miscarriage, I figured I had paid my dues. I wish I knew then how wrong I was.

We tried again with no success. Everyone told me that since I got pregnant so quickly the first time, I would have no problem getting pregnant again. What made it worse was someone I knew had gotten pregnant the same time I did. Her baby boy was born in February. That was supposed to have been my baby! After a year, I was finally “qualified” as not being able to get pregnant. As most of you probably know, in the absence of a medical condition, you have to wait 6-12 months before you were considered ready for intervention. I started Clomid. The people came out of the woodwork…”all my babies are Clomid babies”, “I don’t know too many people who didn’t need Clomid to get pregnant”. The comments go on. After 4 cycles, I had nothing to show for my attempts but a big cyst that was now growing on my remaining right ovary. That did it for the Clomid.

It was time to see a specialist. We had moved to the suburbs so I needed to find all new doctors. My new OB/GYN had recommended a fertility clinic in the area so I made an appointment. I was also back to being followed by a Gynecological oncologist since I had this new cyst growing. In April 2006, when I went in for my blood test to look for tumor markers, an Hcg test was done and it came back positive. I was pregnant. Even better, the numbers were really high and kept rising. Wow! I guess the trip to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) worked to tell my body that it was time to start. We held our breaths until we passed the 5.5-week mark. We made it! Then the brick wall again.  I miscarried the day after Mother’s Day.